Push far enough into the desert of loneliness
and you will come upon an oasis of solitude.

I woke up this morning with the best feeling in the world...well the best I've felt in a long time anyway. I realized I had fallen right out of love. The state of "being in love" is a form of mental illness. I was told that some years ago by someone older and wiser (now departed), but now I understand. I am free of emotional bondage. I simply don't give a fuck and it feels good. My ex-wife came by with seven words, a hug and a kiss and a look in her eyes. Thus began the healing process. I thank her.
Now my energy goes into my film projects unimpeded instead of bullshit emotional confusion and turmoil.
If this sounds cold, it is definately not. I have emerged from a summer of hell, the worst period in my life. Frankly, I almost didn't make it. The combination of (physical assault upon my body and emotional pain) recurring cancer, treatments, effects of treatments, the loss of my singing voice, hair, weight and last but not least, a woman I was "in love with" was almost my undoing. Make no mistake, I still hold nothing but the greatest affection for her. It is just that days are numbered, and for pure survival, and because I want my remaining time and energy to go into my art (though some may call it by some other name and not be wrong) and toward giving and receiving affection, I believe in love, but not being "in love" which is, after all, the result of some emotional complex of need rooted in neuro-chemistry. Isn't it?
So, for anyone out there who is suffering (emotionally or physically or spiritually) as a fellow human being I wish for you happiness and comfort and joy. Never give up.
Other than that, I don't have a clue.

posted by Craig    11:29 AM  

. . .

Sometimes
the silence can be like thunder
Sometimes
I wanna take to the road and plunder
Could you ever be true?
I think of you and I wonder
I'm sick of love
I wish I'd never met you
I'm sick of love
I'm tryin' to forget you
Just don't know what to do
I'd give anything to be with you
-B. Dylan

posted by Craig    8:03 PM  

. . .

What I've been listening to:
The Healing by The Fonda-Stevens Group. Having just seen these guys at theAnn Arbor Edgefest last friday, my ears were ready for this very nice live recording.

posted by Craig    7:24 PM  

. . .

My question of the day: "How can the world/society/relationships ever work when one man's heaven is another man's hell?"
My comment for the day: "Damn it all but the circus."

posted by Craig    6:37 PM  

. . .

Since fate has decreed that I have more than one man's share of solitude and freedom (short-lived though it may turn out to be) I am going to hit the road. I may head north, south, east or west. Most likely north, to the shores of Lake Superior. I seek both forgetfulness and rememberance. Since I have been dealt this hand of solitude I will play it for what it is worth.
"It's a long way down, from up above,
when you find you're falling out of love
Emilia Erhardt came down somewhere
like a lost lover, one of a pair"

But before I leave I have much work to do on my new five minute movie. It will be a stoney little piece of film but should be quite entertaining, visually and musically. Current working title is Video Alkaloid
I managed to put in a good six hours on it today. It is starting to take shape and look good. And this new computer is very fast when it comes to rendering. Makes a dinosaur out of what I was relying on last year.

posted by Craig    6:01 PM  

. . .

Mushrooms and Mankind: The Impact of Mushrooms on Human Consciousness and Religion by James Arthur
A very curious and fascinating book for those interested in the subject. I'm about halfway through it.

posted by Craig    5:42 PM  

. . .

James Arthur on Yage.net
Mankind's connections with other life forms on this planet, including the plant kingdom, are often dismissed as unimportant. Plants that produce altered states of consciousness are similarly dismissed, or even reviled as something at odds with the normal human state. But this is anything but the case. In fact the knowledge and usage of these plants may be the most important thing man has ever known. Each of the thousands of consciousness expanding substances on our planet is responsible for a unique contribution to our genetic makeup and heritage. The reality is that the plants that expand (multidimensionalize) consciousness are truly the bounty of the Gods. We are talking about substances that have played a role in the evolutionary genetic and chemical libraries of the human brain as well as the cosmology of the mind (Myth and Religion).

posted by Craig    5:39 PM  

. . .

Rejection really hurts finds brain study
: "'This doesn't mean a broken arm hurts exactly the same way that a broken heart does,' says Matthew Lieberman of the University of California, Los Angeles, who led the research. 'But it shows that the human brain sounds the same alarm system for emotional and physical distress.' "

posted by Craig    7:22 PM  

. . .

Why losing out in love is just a pain in the toe
"Understanding the underlying commonalities between physical and social pain unearths new perspectives on issues such as why physical and social pain are affected similarly by both social support and neurochemical interventions, and why it 'hurts' to lose someone we love."

posted by Craig    7:20 PM  

. . .

From WBEZ in Chicago: The Third Coast International Audio Festival

posted by Craig    6:50 PM  

. . .

Fresh Air: Tuesday - October 7, 2003 Interview with Molly Ivins
Her new book (with co-author Lou Dubose) is Bushwhacked: Life in George W. Bush's America. Her other books include Shrub, about presidential candidate Bush, and Molly Ivins Can't Say That, Can She?

posted by Craig    6:34 PM  

. . .

C-SPAN Video On-line

posted by Craig    5:58 PM  

. . .

We're Goin' Back.mp3
an original song by Andy Shaver.

posted by Craig    2:20 PM  

. . .

The best and most prophetic line I ever wrote:
"When you get to heaven there'll be hell to pay."
from The Western Land.mp3

posted by Craig    11:16 AM  

. . .

Instead of spending this next week "stoned and sad" I will be playing a lot of guitar and harp and , most importantly, editing a new movie project on my new computer. Working title: Betty Boop and the Forbidden Planet. Not that I won't be a little sad and/or stoned but I will be in a creative mode. This film will have a completely original and improvised soundtrack which could be loosely described as the Residents meet the Art Ensemble of Chicago. I hope to have a shortened version for the web. Visually it should prove to be very interesting as well.

posted by Craig    12:57 AM  

. . .